While looking through Beyond the Rack, I ran across this clothing line called Romeo and Juliet couture. My first thought was, OMG, that's such a good idea! A clothing and jewelry line inspired by the play! Then I clicked into the link, saw the clothes, and was thoroughly disappointed. Like, seriously? I mean, wtf is this?!

They never tell you that sometimes you can't grow up to be something you want to be. And after you do grow up, they never tell you there's more to it all.

Struggling day after day, trying to myself a piece of mind. What is it that I should be doing now? What am I building myself towards? When I grow up, I want to be a pop star. Now that I've grown up, I know better than to try to pursue such a low-reward, high risk endeavor. At least, not to the extent of what my childhood fantasies warrant.

So, now. What did you want to be when you grew up again? Because I think growing up has come and gone, and now you really need to figure out where you are going. Growing up doesn't stop until you're old, and the question arises: Where are you now, and where are you going to be?

24 years have come and gone, 5 years of childhood, 12 years in school, spent on trying to fit in, reading scripts and singing songs in the studio, filling fraying notebook after notebook with introspective scrawls, poetry, and song. 6 years in the states spent finding myself, growing up, learning to love myself for who I am. Several internships, an associate producer at a news station, and now starting year #2 at a government job. Looks fulfilling on paper; college seems like eons ago. So now at 24, where am I headed?

I could focus on my career; get to a GS level 14 before I'm 30. That would be nice. Look good on my resume, give my mom something else to gush about. I'd be proud of myself, eventually work towards a managerial position. I know I can do it.

But somehow, that's not enough for me. I want extraordinary. I want a full sense of accomplishment, like I did something big. Getting a job promo is big, but not in the way I want it. I know what it'll take: Getting a book published. Getting a screenplay published. Getting signed to a record label [although that seems to bring more problems than it solves]

Chipping away at the novel I'm writing, a brainless, entertaining piece of fluff that is no where near trying to be the next great American Novel; no one ever tells you how hard it is to write these things. An hour will roll by, and I'll have barely written a paragraph. At this rate, this book will be finished when I'm 30. And this screenplay. Never had any experience with writing screenplays; not a full one anyways, and the film I made for Summer fellows my senior year in college had a pretty awful script. Maybe as a musical, it'll be less awful.

I'm just sick of ideas I have never being put into action. Those that take action are the ones that accomplish things.

Why do I feel like I've accomplished so little? What am I trying to prove, and to who?

I sold my iphone today, to someone who uses AT&T. Who didn't mind paying the $300 I was selling it for. God bless him, he doesn't know how he saved me from my month long misery. Which was actually more like 2 weeks but felt like a month to me. I hope the phone works beautifully for him, that he finds $500 in an abandoned wallet, that he wins a car in a lottery.


As an end note, I will say that ebay is the worst place you could attempt to sell anything. There are non-paying bidders everywhere, and they screw you over. Ebay always makes money. Always. Ebay is evil.

I hate myself for being so honest. But my conscience won't let me unload this locked iphone to another non-AT&T dimwit who doesn't know that 3.1 can't be unlocked yet. Not if they're about to shell out 300 some dollars for an iphone they can't use either. I know too well how it feels, and I do not want to drag another person into this locked 3G 3.1 hell I'm in.

I will suffer my justice alone.

"DRINK! You two deserve it!" Jenn grabbed our glasses and filled them with half a bottle's worth of rice wine. Tanya and I exchanged glances; there was no way we were getting out of this restaurant in one piece.

"Come on, Tanya still has to drive me home. Plus, we were hungry-"
"DRINK! Can't believe you ditched us! It's punishment!" Jenn drawled, giving Wanda a knowing look. Wanda glared at us in mock contempt. Tanya laughed guiltily and downed her shot. Jenn swooped down and immediately filled it with another. Wanda looked down at the shot I was clutching in my hand. The clear liquid quivered in the glass.
"How about you? DRINK! Finish it up!" She waved at the waiter. "Another bottle please?"
The waiter nodded, and said that they could only serve alcohol until 2 o’clock.
"DRINK!! We're running out of time. Hurry."
"Alright alright..." I took in the liquid, felt it burn the insides of my mouth and threaten to run down my throat. I watched as Jenn and Wanda brought over two more bottles. I scanned the table frantically, the shot of alcohol still swirling in my mouth. I grabbed a napkin and pressed it firmly to my lips, letting the napkin slowly soak up the alcohol. The stupid napkin only took up about half a shot without being conspicuous. I tossed the soggy napkin behind my bowl of salad. Thank god no one noticed. Half a shot still sat rancid on my tongue.
"We came to Annandale because you said you wanted to come! And what do you do?" Wanda demanded. Tanya giggled even harder, her face already a flushed pink.
"We were hungry! Especially since we already drank!" Tanya managed to choke out, and Jenn grabbed her glass and refilled it.
"We came all the way from Rockville. And you ditch us for HoneyPig?!"
I was out of napkins, and no way was I drinking any more. My bowl of salad looked promising. I spat the rest of the wine into the bowel and set it down. Amazingly, I still wasn't caught. Yet. The lettuce swam freely.
Jenn noticed my empty glass and filled it. I cursed silently and gave her a pained look. She ignored me and nudged my glass.
"You can't fault us for being hungry. And come on, the best Korean food in town versus some random Korean bar. Clearly, food wins," I tried to explain.
"You ditched your FRIENDS for FOOD. We were waiting for you, and you were here EATING-"
"We texted you..."
"Doesn't matter! DRINK!" Wanda picked up my shot and held it towards me. I sheepishly took the glass. Then the waiter came by and took my salad bowel. Life is not fair.
Since Wanda and Jenn were scrutinizing me intently, I sighed and obligingly downed the shot. With a triumphant look in her eyes, Jenn filled my glass again. I could feel the alcohol burn down my esophagus hit my gut with dizzying warmth, spreading through my limbs and down my spine. Already, blood was pounding in my ears, and my face was inflamed and tingly.
"And Tanya, we TOLD you, Halloween is only 21 days away! You can't afford to be eating HoneyPig!"
"I eat HoneyPig every week, it's just so good..." Tanya breathed, looking dreamy.
"What about your costume? You have 21 days to fit in your costume!"
"I can diet, haha..."
It was ridiculous; perfectly skinny girls arguing about dieting, around a table laden with deliciously marinated beef sizzling on top of a rounded-iron grill. The smoke and aroma floated in circles and into a vent. Everyone was talking and laughing and having a great time. I ate a piece of steaming beef; damn, the Koreans really got their barbecue down to a fine art. Life is good.
I could feel myself giggle uncontrollably. The waiter came by with bowels of rice, and everyone hastened to feast on the beef while it was still hot. Conversations flew by, new guests came and left, and the room was spinning beautifully. I still had this shot of rice wine I had to get rid of secretly, otherwise I'd be forced to drink it and end up tired and sick the next morning. I wondered how my liver was doing, whether I'd be getting cancer in my old age because I drank too much and stayed up too late in my youth, whether the euphoria that filled me now would leave an empty silence the next morning, whether this temporary escape from the mundane would leave me looking forward to the next weekend when I would protest the alcohol but end up taking it and letting it fill me with this artificial high that felt good but also made me think too much. If I took that last shot, I would stop thinking so much. The condensation stuck to the glass and beaded, sweating coolness. Comfortable numbness. Deftly, I picked up the glass and poured the contents in my rice. I smiled at my craftiness, and joined the conversation that had been taking place without me.

Is that too much to ask? For the past 2 weeks, my life has been in turmoil because of the iphone. I bought a 2nd hand 3G iphone for $306 off ebay. Little did I know that if the phone was upgraded to 3.1 firmware, there is currently no way to unlock the phone so I can use it with T-mobile. As I already renewed my t-mobile contract to get my Prada phone, I couldn't really afford to switch to AT&T, which was also still more expensive than my current plan. SO I was stuck with an iphone that I couldn't use. I tried to sell it on craigslist. People on Craigslist are awful; countless people have offered to buy my phone, and never showed up to complete the transaction. There were a few serious buyers that wouldn't buy it for more than $250, and there were a few that needed the phone to be unlocked. There was one man I almost sold the phone to who needed the phone to work overseas. My conscience wouldn't allow me to unload an iphone onto another poor soul who couldn't use it, so I told him my phone wouldn't work for any carriers other than AT&T, and that he should look elsewhere. I sold my phone on ebay, then the dude who won the auction never paid. Then the 2nd highest bidder refused to buy it. Then I relisted it again, and ended up canceling the transaction because I thought someone from craigslist was actually gonna buy it. He canceled at the last minute. Now its been relisted on ebay here. Did I mention ebay is prob gonna cost me at least 30 bucks in seller fees if I sell the phone? For 2 weeks I've bitched and moaned and pleaded to everyone within earshot, and some how no one I know knows anyone who wants a used 3G iphone. And def for not nearly as much as I paid for it. During this whole hubbub, I bought a 16gb 3G unlocked iphone on craigslist for 290. After closer examination, I realized it was prob worth like $200. But now I know. And now I know to always do my research on firmwares and basebands and craigslist before I buy anything iphone related =.=

When I went to audition this week, the people I met were a more philosophical crowd than the typical band type. One of the subjects brought up was how people don't really have a specific personality, that that personality changes depending on the people you are around. You'd act differently with your parents than with your friends than with your coworkers. The conclusion that was reached was there there was no "true" self, that who we were is a combination of all those personas.

I disagree. There is one distinct self, one that only we know, and that is who we really are. Karen Moning, the author of the Fever Series, actually hit on something pretty deep in her smut-posing-as-romance-literature when she explored a hidden part of you where only you can reach, a certain loneliness that is realized only when you are an infant, when you arrive into this world, and when you die. We come into this world alone, and we leave alone. That part is who we are. The person we are when we are by ourselves is our true self. Everything else is a learned behavior based on the rewards and punishments in our environment.

I've learned to lie, to pretend, to become a person that I am not, in order to blend in. While its not flawless, at least I don't raise any red flags. Perhaps its better to be alone than to live a lie, but I can not stand being alone.

Is this the world we live in? Spend our lives pretending in order to be embraced?